


Letters to Carden

by KLoniK



Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 08:34:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19269589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KLoniK/pseuds/KLoniK
Summary: After a few weeks of wallowing, Vivi has had enough. Jude needs to hash out her feelings to work through them, but since she will not wake up enough to do anything other than stare at the television, Vivi has an idea. In the aftermath of Vivienne and Heather’s breakup, Vivi found herself at a bar chatting up the bartender, whom she later finds out is a graduate student in psychology, and gave her some much-needed advice. He told her to express her feelings in a series of letters to Heather, letters Vivi does not send. Letters that are for Vivi’s eyes alone, but a way to talk to Heather without actually talking to Heather. This exercise has been working well for Vivi, and now she is going to make Jude do the same before one or both sisters lose their mind. Vivi hands Jude a notebook and pen and tells her to start writing after some cajoling.





	1. April 28th 2019

Dear Carden,

Stupid Vivi is making me write a letter to you expressing my ‘feelings’, which is stupid. Well, if this is happening, here goes; FUCK YOU, you lying sack of shit who claims they can’t lie! FFFUUUCCCKKK YYYOOOOUUU!!!! I CAN NOT WAIT for the day I end your life.

-Jude


	2. May 5, 2019

Dear Carden,

That first letter actually kind of helped, but I realize you might not know what ‘fuck’ is in order to understand what I wrote. It’s a vulgar word used as a verb to describe sexual intercourse, but has been mutated in slang terms to describe the worst of the worst unfair situations or people. ‘Fuck’ describes my absolute disgust for you, and the harshest of rejections from me to you. So, once again Carden; FUCK YOU. I am going to get my revenge on you, I oath it. I wish I could actually send you these. I don't believe you fear my retribution nearly enough, and having these letters haunt you might get the job done.

-Jude


	3. May 28th, 2019

Dear Carden,

Its been 2 months since you married me, and then exiled me. My dreams are filled with your death by my hand in various, satisfying ways. I am going to have a hard time picking which way to end you. Thanks to you, I have time enough to figure it out.   
However, in my nightmares I have less satisfying dreams or memories about you, in which we revisit that evening in the room off of the throne room, or our wedding night that wasn’t a wedding night. I awake in such shame after these. I hate you so much it makes me physically ill. As you said once, “I think of you, often, and its disgusting and I can’t stop.” It seems I suffer that same curse. Not that I will actually ever admit these shameful thoughts to anyone ever, its my secret to keep. I think I like this letter writing thing. I do feel it helps me focus. It is nice to admit these secrets. Well, anyway, I hate you. And I have to admit, given the chance to return, I don’t know if I would kill you, or kiss you. Maybe both. Then spit on your corpse.

-J


	4. June 2, 2019

Dear Carden,

I miss you today, and that’s hard for me to admit. Why do I miss you? You are the worst! I spent most of my life being afraid of you and your damn posse; what weakness in me has changed from fearing to craving your presence? Do you have any idea how mad that makes me at myself for being so foolish? But it is the truth, which in these letters, is the only way I will tell the truth.

I am also so confused about us. Is there an us? Was every touch between us a phase in a master plan? How long were you planning this betrayal? Because **bravo!** It was a master deception you faerie bastard. That night I broke into your chambers after I was returned from the Undersea, you said some things to me that made me believe you were turning over a new leaf, now that you didn’t have to seek the attention of your undeserving father. Was that a calculated confession? I keep replaying every word, every touch that we have ever exchanged since I took you hostage at the coronation. You are either a fantastic deceiver with prophetic talents, or none of this makes any sense. Do you hate me? I don’t think I hate you, I think I hate that I care for you. When did I start to care for you? I think I hate that I care for you because you could hurt me in ways that Madoc, or Balekin, or even Dain never could. More permanent ways. And that makes me fear you and what power you wield over me. And now after these months away, I don’t know if I could return to you even if I was no longer banished.

-J

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these aren't real 'chapters' but I didn't know how best to convey time between letters


	5. June 6th, 2019

Dear Carden,

Why do I keep writing these insipid pointless letters? Its not like you will ever read them, its not like I would ever let you read them. But, Vivi was right, it helps to ‘hash out’ my thoughts and emotions. I don’t like where these thoughts and emotions lead though. It’s a door I’m not sure I want opened.  
Well, I’m angry at you today. I can’t believe you exiled me. Why do you care that I killed your brother? He was the worst, and he was actively trying to kill you that night, and failing that, steal your crown at least. And then HE challenged ME to a duel while I was TRYING TO SAVE YOUR GODS DAMNED LIFE! I tried to back out of the duel as I had and inferior weapon, a dagger versus a sword. For goodness sake Carden! Can’t you be grateful to me for ending him so he can never hurt you again? or me for that matter.   
You know, it occurs to me that I’ve only killed in self-defense. In the mortal world, murder in self-defense in excusable in almost all cases. A person has a right to protect their own life, and that’s what I was doing. Valerian tried to have me jump to my death from the tower, then kill me when his glamor didn’t work. Then that vile bastard snuck into my own home to kill me. I still can’t quite fathom how he thinks he has the right to curse me for winning the death struggle when he started it. I don’t think I’ve told you about that have I? Have I told anyone? I don’t think I have. Then there was Balekin, who again, wouldn’t have let me walk away from the duel. I’ll not apologize for winning. Despite Lord Roiben’s wish that he die as payment for support for your crown, and revenge for the Undersea’s attack, and despite my own wishes for revenge on him for his actions in the Undersea; I might have honored your request that he live. Had he not challenged me. I suppose you don’t know about that though, there wasn’t time to what with my weakened state, the ball, your poisoning, the duel, Madoc and Taryn, our marriage, and then sleep, then exile. Well that’s a story for another time. I have lots of secrets I haven’t shared, and I’m tired just now. I have a mortal job to attend to early in the morning, then training, then chores. I’ve quite the busy life here in exile, not as busy and seneschal since that was day and night. Now I actually get some rest, its not lost on me that I'm living a safer life here than home. But this isn't home, just something to pass the time.

-J


	6. June 11, 2019

Dear Carden,

Mortal life is dull, I stay occupied, but it is dull. I work as a waitress at a diner. I come home smelling like the oil food is cooked in. Did you know I used to feel insecure about my ‘mortal smell’? Because humans are built to die we already smell like death? Compared to this greasy smell permanently attached to my hair, I’d rather hear a thousand insults regarding my mortality. After work, I help Oak with his gentry education and swordplay, then visit a Gym to do some training of my own. A gym is where one goes to exercise for fun. Can you believe they do that for fun? I try to stay in shape for my inevitable return and the physicality that will require. Mortals don’t have to fear for their life Ironside. They don’t have to have self-defense skills to be prepared for unavoidable battle. Duels are unheard of here. I tried taking a sword play class called fencing. Gods, I can’t describe how pathetic it was. We didn’t even use wood swords for sparring, we used these tiny, almost rapier-like swords called ‘foils’. They are made to bend so that you don’t get puncture wounds, and there is no edge for slicing. And you wear a protective padded jacket. What would Madoc say? I bet he would actually laugh. I got kicked out for being too aggressive anyway. So instead, I found this hand-to-hand combat class called jiujitsu. This one is actually more of a challenge, and I quite enjoy the exertion. It will come in handy when I come back. Make no mistake, I am coming back. I just have yet to figure how. Maybe I’ll start sending these letters to you to gain appeal. Nah, these are too pathetic.  
Well, I mentioned last letter that I had secrets to share so here is one: I never broke my word to you that I would get Hallow Hall for your own. I still plan on it. I just misled you into thinking that it would happen immediately. Once Oak is crowned, if I am alive and have any influence anymore, it will be yours. Oak even already knows this. I tell him what he needs to do to be a great king, and I tell him you should be awarded a place to ‘retire’, when your rule is over. I hate that I had to deceive you, but I figured you would be used to it, since deception is like oxygen to the Folk. I did not think that you would hate me so much for that betrayal. By the way, what the hell Carden? The Folk live for hundreds of years, you couldn’t be a pampered king for 10? Severin of Fairfold slept for like a hundred years and poor baby Carden had to be king for a decade. Hell, not even a decade just 7 years! So your gods-forsaken kingdom wouldn’t fall to ruin under Balekin’s rule, or be torn apart by a warmongering redcap. Was it really so bad being under my command? I did all the work of ruling and you got to do all the play. I even protected you from falling into traps. It’s not like I took advantage of it by asking for your true name, or gee I don’t know, making you crawl to me and kiss my feet while in your underwear. LIKE YOU TRIED TO DO TO ME. Poor baby Carden, go pout a little. 

-J

P.S. That last was sarcasm. Also, I am not saying that my ruling over you was altruistic, but it was not torture.


	7. June 15, 2019

Dear Carden,

 

I have another secret to tell. I wonder how you would respond to it if you actually knew. It would probably give you another reason to hate me. I know that were I in your place, I wouldn’t be able to face you. You already hate me plenty, though, don’t you? You always have. It didn’t used to bother me, I just hated you right back. I’m still angry enough to call it hate. Most days my anger is a living, roiling thing, like a volcano about to erupt. Those are the days I take double training sessions at the gym, resulting in my being exhausted enough to sleep. Though thinking back now, I feel a little guilty for my actions.

When Prince Dain offered me a position in the Court of Shadows, I was thrilled. I had finally found a place for me in Fairyland. I bet you don’t know how much it meant to me. It finally meant that I belonged in your world after a decade of fighting for it. Especially after all the things you, Nicasia, Valerian, and Locke said to me and Taryn. Finally, I was in! And what was more, I was only hoping for a knighthood, being a spy was BETTER, more than I dreamed for myself. I wasn’t backing down from the tournament for that reason, I wanted to empress Rhyia enough to be offered a knighthood. Then Madoc said no to being able to declare myself. I thought then that he didn’t believe in my being ready, resulting in me wanting to fight all the more to prove him wrong. At the time, he had the coup planned so now it makes more sense. Of course, you insisting that I back out resulted in my needing to best you also. It’s a thing with me. You know that I was given the geas to resist enchantment by Dain in exchange for his service. At first, I didn’t think it was possible for that geas to even work, but I probably would have agreed to be in his service anyway. That’s how desperate I was to fit in. I feel pathetic for it now. But it led me to do the other things I’ve done since, and do not regret it even a little bit.

But these feelings are not the secret. The secret is my first assignment; which was to break into Hallow Hall and find incriminating evidence. I disguised myself as a servant, and was easily able to get around unnoticed. By the way, that one room with the body on the bed? **IS** that a body under the sheet? Is it still there? Because that is disgusting, someone should bury him. Anyway, I made my way into your room, I didn’t know it was your room at the time but when I started snooping, I recognized your clothes. Then I noticed _Alice in Wonderland_ and _Through the Looking Glass_. I don’t know why but I stole it. It was a book my mom used to read to my sisters and me and I guess I wanted to remember those times. Did you notice it was missing? The book is also where I found the note with my name written (in my opinion) angrily and obsessively. I wonder now, if maybe that note is not dissimilar to these letters. A way to exercise me from your mind, like I am doing now. After leaving your room, I found my way to Balekin’s office which is what I was originally looking for. When I started searching, I found a note about poisons written to Balekin that I stole to deliver to Dain. Then I almost got caught when you and Balekin, and a servant arrived. Balekin punished you for losing to me in the tournament. You said to him that you weren’t a murderer. This was odd for me to hear from you because you had tried to feed me and my sister to nixies. But after a moment, I realize that having that little bit of a moral code was more than I expected of you. There was a moment when I wanted to hurt Balekin for hurting you. I did not like feeling like **I** needed to protect **you** , a supposed enemy. Maybe that is when my feelings started to lessen from animosity. When I realized we might be kindred spirits? How long had those ‘lessons’ been going on? Those scars on your back, your cruelty?… I might have started to forgive you then.

You might never forgive me for anything I have done that you actually know about. I doubt, if those other things weren’t in the way, you would even forgive me for witnessing that day. This thought saddens me, but I won’t apologize, not even in a fake letter, an imagined confession. I did what I did, Carden, because I care about the kingdom, because I care about my family, because I even care about you, and because I desperately wanted to belong to MY HOME. I know I am human; I know that I cannot be Fae, but Elfhame is my home regardless. And you will not keep me from my home.

 

-J

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have anyone to proof read so if there are any errors please let me know so I can correct them

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever written work. I've never taken a creative writing class, or written fanfiction, or any short stories of my own. However after discovering TCP and TWK, I've been in such a book hangover I looked for fanfiction for the FIRST TIME EVER. You fellow writers have inspired me. I hope you enjoy, and look forward to your comments and notes! Thanks for reading!


End file.
